Snow is falling in Paris, side effects of the radioactive fallout from the Arab nations. Sitting at a table in a café in front of the cracked and shattered glass pyramids of the Louvre, Lieutenant Jacques Bernard is a hardened veteran of World War Z. He offers me some coffee. I decline. He orders a cappuccino, and sips it regularly during our interview.

It began in France a few months after the outbreaks in Russia. Huge swarms almost overwhelmed Poland and Germany, and eventually came here. It was springtime. The streets were wet with rain. I remember that night.

What happened?

I was standing guard in front of a police station. I had a Heckler and Koch G36, brand-new. I was inexperienced. I figured any zombie I hit would just explode.

It didn’t work?

Of course not! Haven’t you ever fought a zombie? Automatic weapons are worse than useless against these monsters!

[He regains his composure.]

That night, it happened. About twenty of them came, versus five of us. We aimed for the torso. I remember hitting one of them square in the chest. He crumpled, and kept dragging himself towards me. Another blast shattered his eye socket, killing him. We dispatched about ten of the monsters before another wave arrived, attracted by the creatures’ moans. Now there were hundreds of them, all swarming down the street towards us. We had already used up our ammunition. Nothing seemed to work. We threw grenades, which had no effect. I remember Sergeant Augustin. He drew his combat knife, and stabbed one of them in the temple. As it died, he tried to wrench it out, but another one of the creatures bit into his arm. Augustin screamed. Eventually they all piled on top of him, a writhing, groaning mass that pulled our sergeant apart. Nothing was left of the man but some bones, picked clean of flesh, and a torso with one arm.

Did he reanimate?

Yes. It happened later that night. We had fled from the swarm, and lost them. We went back to the office building, and found Augustin, dragging himself with one arm across the streets. He came towards us, moaning. I used the last of the ammunition in the G36 to put him out of his misery. The burst split his head in two. I remember his brains spilling onto my boots. We fled the area. They had evacuated the police station. So we had no ammo, no food or water, and no way of knowing where we were. We had not been born in Paris. I’m from Normandy. We came across little sporting goods store on the outskirts of town. The windows had been smashed, and corpses littered the street in front of it. We quickly went inside, and gathered up some weapons.

What kind?

We all had hunting rifles. Ammunition was plentiful. We took all of the weapons, and went back to the police station. Augustin’s corpse was still there. We “requisitioned” ourselves an armored car.

Isn’t that considered looting?

[He shrugs]

There was no order. We were no longer needed. The city had been overrun. It was either take what was available or die.

This movie just adds to the 2012 phenomenon, which, in my opinion, will never happen. So, the end of the world happens. A family flees the disaster, with humans dying off like flies. They climb onboard a huge ship, just as giant tidal waves encompass the globe. Now, on to the characters: The Americans, Chinese, and African-Americans seem very stereotipical, and, like Avatar and Star Wars the Clone Wars, they are wooden. The most realistic characters are the Russians. They have the only humourus lines, and, guess what: THEY ALL DIE. One dies in a crash landing, one drowns, and one falls off of a cliff. The only decent parts of this movie are the special effects.  But one more thing: The best character is an eccentric conspiracy theorist named Charlie, who also dies.

Rating: 5

Grunts: They project weakness, blind faith, and cowardice.

Jackals: They project bloodthirstyness, more blind faith, and “tropical bird with lazor”.

Drones: They project blind faith and “giant insect with lazor, omigosh”.

Brutes: They project blind faith the point of being zealous, bloodlust, obesity, and “omigosh, giant ape/rhino/idiot thing with lazor”.

Prophets: They project “small but mighty, when i has army”.

Enginneers: They project pacifism, work ethic, and “omigosh, giant floating thing with no lazor”.

Elites: They project awesomeness, and “ha ha ha, i kill you, then suddenly, omigosh help me help me.”

Humans: They project awesomeness, and resilience.

Flood: They project “omigiosh, parasitic squids”, and sheer, ultimate, incarnate, evil.

First, let me say: GAAAAAAAGH. First Ewoks, next Jar Jar, now this crap? You’ve gotta be kidding me. The animated characters appear eerie. The clones are a cross between redshirts, greenshirts, and spear carriers. The characters are pathetic and stereotipical, and there are large amounts of violence. Clones get their heads shot off, they get punched through the organs, they get used as cannon fodder. Honsestly. There really isnt any plot. They butchered the Star Wars music. Instead of the original Star Wars theme, they put in some weird electric gutairs, and instead of the opening crawl, they have some weird 1970s sport announcer. The addition of Ashoka Tano, a whiny little Padawan twit, and the downplaying of Anakin’s maturity combine to make an onslaught of pure whine. The battles, while the special effects are decent, all seem the same. Slash, slash, some droids fire lasers, slash again. They add in some slug-like baby thing, beloning to Jabba the Hutt. All in all, they butchered Star Wars. The death throes began in the prequels, but this was the killing blow. Rating: 2

This movie is, well, weird. I don’t know how else to put it. Its just bad. First point: The humans are evil. The blue people are good. There are plot inconsistincies, and the characters seem wooden, and lack life. The side characters are forgotten. And, in the final battle, an army of blue people riding animals with bows and arrows triumpth over an army of humans with machine guns, mech suits, and aircraft. The only good part of this movie are teh special effects. They are breathtaking, and seem lifelike, unlike teh characters. So, all in all, science fiction fans are advised to steer clear of this movie, if you want to take it seriously. Rating: 4

-1: Perhaps one of the worst movies of all time

0: Dreadful

1: Terrible

2: Epic Faliure

3: Bad

4: Mediocre

5: Fair

6: Good

7: Very Good

8: Great

9: Awesome

10: Epic

Grunts: The cannon fodder of the Covenant. They have methane tanks. They are weak and cowardly.

Jackals:  The snipers and support troops of the Covenant. Use energy shields, plasma pistols, carbines, and beam rifles.

Drones: An insect-like species, who swarm at opponents, firing plasma pistols.

Engineers: The technicians of the Covenant. Engineers are unarmed, and even rapair human equipment. They sometimes even repair human equipment. They don’ t take sides. They just want to fix some stuff.

Brutes: Brutes are the commanders of the Covenant army. They project stupidity, obesity, and blind white rage.

Prophets: Prophets are the religous leaders of the Covenant. In Halo 3, they are exposed as frauds.

Elites: The Elites used to be the backbone of the Covenant military, but they were backstabbed, betrayed, and used as scapegoats one too many times. They sided with the humans in Halo 3.